Hard things

Sometimes Jakob will cling to me and hold on to me so tight, tuck his tiny little head into my neck and pat his itty bitty hands on my back, even wrap his skinny little legs around my waist and squeeze so hard as he says, "mommy..." with a little giggle.   In a, "you're my mommy.  I've waited for you and I'm happy." kind of way.

The emotions can flood over me if I let them.  If I think about what he is saying and how I know he is saying it (yes, intuition), it takes my mind places that are hard to go.   Sometimes I don't let myself go there.  I'm sure it would be beneficial for our bonding (on my part) but sometimes I just can't.

It is too much.  

I think things like this:  I'm finally here because I wasn't before.  I know it isn't my fault.  I know, at the heartbeat of all the sadness and trauma an orphan can experience, it is because of this screwed up world we live in.  So dark without the Light.  When he was in a womb--it wasn't my own.  When he was born--I didn't hear his first cry or stare into his big beautiful eyes and wrap his fingers around mine.  How could I have known he was waiting to come into the world?  But the fact is, I really just wasn't there at all.  There are 2ish years of his life that I will never know anything about.  There are 2ish years where I wonder if he ever had a momma or the love of a mom.  Sometimes when I change his diaper I see glimpses of him as an infant.  Laying on his back and kicking his legs up into the air.  I think it is odd that a 2 year old would still do this but I also feel in my heart it is mercy.  Just a glimpse of what we missed together and it fills my heart with joy.

Or if I look closely enough I see Mawete: the pictures we were given when he was in foster care, the quiet eyes and full cheeks.  These are always reminders of the only information we have of his life before February 8th.  Only a few pictures from a few months.  The momentary expressions also remind me of HOW FAR this child has come.  I'm just floored when I hear him squealing with Julia, running around the house or riding his bike outside.  Who would he have been if we hadn't come?

What about all the others?  Don't tell me, I can't save them all...

I usually keep things like this inside because if I voice them I'm told that he has us now and he is so happy and I can't sit on these things.  It is a kind thought and reassurance but honestly, he has become MY heart just as Julia is my heart.  How can I not grieve for the things I have lost in my motherhood experience with Jakob?  Or how can I not grieve what he has lost?  And who knows what that is?  Or the extent to how far and deep the loss goes into his little soul?  It is a grief unlike grief I've experienced before.  It is way out there, separate from all the rest.

So in the moments when I do let myself go there I have to consciously tell myself that God knows.  The Rescuer and the Healer knows every detail and He was there every moment, even in the darkest and loneliest when we couldn't be.  That will have to be enough and truthfully, I can move on with that. 

But it takes some choking back of tears, a million kisses on his head till he squirms out of my arms and that "mommy..." becomes a "MOMMY!!!!"  Just another reason for me to fall at the feet of Jesus.

Sorry about the blog look!

My blog is looking pretty lame lately and I know this!  Sorry!

I'm playing around with some ideas and trying to figure it all out so if anyone has any suggestions I will take them!

ALSO: Blogger has this awesome stats section that tells me which countries my viewers are from.  If you are from outside of the US would you mind sending me a comment or a personal message to let me know how you found me?  It is just making me very curious!

Meeting Jakob

The day came when we were going to meet Jakob after 20 months from start to finish.

We had been warned about Congo time; everything happens around 2 hours after you're told it will.  This is no big deal; you're in the middle of Africa with nothing to do. I could accept that.  So we woke up bright and early (I did) unable to sleep, took a freezing cold shower without a shower curtain so covered the bathroom in water, missed breakfast because Joe was still sleeping (jet lag) and I didn't feel like going to the kitchen by myself not yet having met anyone and I didn't speak the language.  So finally 10 am rolled around and we promptly walk down to St. Annes lobby.

Isn't it beautiful?

We walked around the parking lot, up and down the street the Embassy and St. Annes hug (yes, even down to the end where everyone says you will definitely be kidnapped or mugged-we weren't).  We explored some more of the parking lot and walked closer to the church.  Got to know some men who sell souvineers outside the St. Annes entrance (we loved those guys).  We made every vehicle feel extremely uncomfortable as we stared them down looking for a toddler in the back seat.  

patiently waiting

Then finally we meet 2 women I knew from facebook.  They happened to be in the lobby once we made it back inside for some cold water because by now I'm about to pass out from the heat.  Finally I met Christine and Alizon!  Alizon was actually leaving that day so we were able to speak to her for an hour or so and that was the end of our journey together.  Christine, her beautiful daughter Meizi and her hilarious mom Dolores became regulars in our daily if not hourly lives.  We will always cherish those times we spent with them, Liz and countless others.  So Alizon graciously takes our mind off the long wait and the heat and gives us some sort of guidance and advice about the DGM maybe or safety, can't really remember.  Then Joe, in a very relaxed tone says, "Lindsey, I think he is here..."  I didn't really believe it.  There was no way this moment had finally come after so long and I was so calm.   No way I didn't burst into tears and make a mad dash out of the lobby screaming for my baby.  Joe stands up and confirms it is truly Jakob and makes some kind of comment about how he is definitely looking like the temperament we always assumed he would have (judging from pictures throughout process).  Sad.  Scared.  Alone.  

We actually saw a glimmer of hope in this one.  This was February 2013, a week or so before we travelled.  Perhaps they told him we were coming?  :)

Same outfit as when we met him with gifts we sent

This picture came with the note that he was upset he had to pause while eating his rice- he hasn't changed!

Our referral picture

We walked over to him and I kneel down to him, he won't look at either of us.  He is just standing in the parking lot.  The young girl who brought him gives me a hug and tells me she doesn't speak English, I tell her I don't speak Lingala or French and we laugh.  I'm emotional when she tells me her mom is the foster mom but she always took care of him.  I think I hugged her again and my eyes welled up with tears.  She is a teenager, not sure how old, looked like she definitely had style and here she was, taking care of my baby. She was one of the women who showed him love and held him when he was scared.  Jakob was holding the infamous bottle of Afrika Fun soda.  It was 1/2 empty... our first sign of obsession with sugar drinks!!!  She nudged him closer to us and told him he could come to us, that we were his mama and papa.  She took pictures of us, I'm assuming for her mom who couldn't come that day.

I think this was about the time I first held him.  We walked into the lobby and it was then I first saw his toes, held onto his tiny legs and big belly, took in a deep breath of not so good aroma that was our baby.  He was wearing the pajamas we had sent him in a care package with another family.  They were dirty.  I haven't washed them since we've come  home and I can still put them up to my face and it takes me right back to that day.  I just went upstairs... it still works.  I'm weird.  We took some pictures with his "sis." 

she is so sassy I love it

She leaves pretty quickly and we head upstairs.  I think I've mentioned how we set him in the middle of the floor and he didn't move a finger, bat an eye, he was completely still, still clutching that Afrika Fun.  He was exhausted.  I think we all were.  Emotionally and physically.  What a day.  I held him and I was full of tears.  Then Joe told me he was sleeping in my arms.  What a moment!  So I laid down with him.  Pure bliss.

 Eventually he woke up and we set him on the bed and gave him his Christmas present from December 2011.  He was pretty excited about the wrapping paper.  And by excited I mean he looked at it.  

Then we started pulling out the big guns.  Joe opened the hotwheels.  The sky brightened, oceans parted, we heard angels singing.  This means he moved his hands and reacted to our existence.  The original video is much longer but I don't want to bore you.  I watch it and I'm still amazed at who he was and who he is now.  Two different kids.  I still tear up watching this.  Our sweet boy!

Then I get smart.  Stickers and accessories.  For any of you that know Jakob, you know he loves his hats, shoes and ties.  This was only the beginning.

The rest of the day was filled with getting to know our little boy.  The first night he slept perfectly.  We thought we won the jackpot only to learn the next night and the following ones that he wants to be held and I must be walking around with the Ergo for him to fall asleep.  This took a while to figure out.  The second night he would moan and whimper and cry.  A couple times I had to leave the room because it was breaking my heart.  I thought he missed his foster family.  Or maybe his biological family.  Or maybe he was wondering why he was with yet more people he had never met.  Not to mention we had to look completely different to him.  I think that is an obvious.  So we just continually tried to show him what love was, who family is and that he was ours for forever.

This child's story will be one of redemption.

The old has past and the new is here.

It will be hard, it is hard, but I want our home to be open to those who need love.  Open to those especially who are alone, who need family.

Someone shared these verses with me while we were in DRC and we were struggling.  We knew Jakob had been hurt and that he was grieving.  This became our prayer for him and for our family.

For you shall go out in joy and be lead forth in peace; 
the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing 
and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.

Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress;
instead of the briar shall come up the myrtle;
and it shall make a name for the Lord,
and everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.

Isaiah 55:12-13

His pain has become our pain.  We aren't a white family or a black family.  While one may have brown skin and others pale skin, we became a NEW color all together, all at once.  One may have an African culture and the others an American culture, but we've become an Afri-Merican culture.  We will embrace him and blast that worship music as loud as we can when we feel broken and helpless.  God makes all things new!

Jakob

Does anyone even read this anymore ;) ??

I'm not sure, even if nobody does, I think I should start posting.  As if I have time!  My last post was about leaving CAN... that was-August?  Wow!!!

We have our son!  Home!!!  There have been 10 million emotions and 10 million valleys and even more mountains.   It is impossible to put it all into words.

We love him so much.  We are spelling his name "Jakob" because that is how it is spelled in his Lingala (native language) bible.  Some days have been so easy and smooth sailing and some I've worried he will not like us for what we've done, bringing him into our family-am I going to ruin him? (poor Joe and the mid-day phone calls)  These are really really low lows.  This is Satan attacking; I know this.  But all of these emotions are very very real and very raw.  It is all so beautiful and all so messy... it will take time.

The good news is, he is attaching so well.  He attached to us around day 3 in DRC.  This is AMAZING because he never spoke to an adult the whole 7 or so months in foster care.  He talked to Joe the 2nd day?  God did that.  I think my greatest epiphany through this experience is that children need a family.  Government institutions will never fill the void they need.  Yes, they can survive, but a child shouldn't have to "survive," but thrive! (And in the DRC, many are not even surviving).  Some may say a child should stay in their own culture, surrounded by people who speak their language, etc.  Well, this would be great in a perfect world, but a child needs a family, no matter what their skin color or language is.  I don't think anyone could say anything to ever change my mind on this, not after we saw Jakob blossom after finally having a mom and dad.  It was something I knew in my head and now something I truly know in my heart.

Julia and Jakob are the best of besties.  He mimics every single thing she does when eating, when playing, when watching cartoons.  It is hilarious!!!  She tries to mother him a little too much sometimes but it is just absolutely adorable-poor kid.  Today she insisted she help him buckle his car seat so she did, patted his hand, kissed his forehead and said, "love you honey!"  He is so blessed to have her as a sister.  I am so blessed to have her here during the day when all Jakob wants to do is cry and all I want to do is cry along!!!  Seriously, am I a two year old?  Being completely transparent here.  But I can get frustrated (as I'm sure he is as well) when a language barrier gets between us.  This happened yesterday and she came up to him as he was cryyyiiinnnngggg and I just kept trying to say the same thing in lingala over and over in my as calm as possible american accent and she rubbed his back and said, "it's okay!" to the two of us. Thank you, Julia, for reminding me that all I probably need to do sometimes is hold him and be quiet because now surely isn't the time for reasoning in 2 different languages, or 3 if you count my lingalish.  What a blessing she is!  Bringing her momma back to the basics.

I'm so thankful we listened to the still small voice that told us adoption was how we should add to our family.  It took us so long looking at domestic, foster care, foster to adopt, then international, and all the countries that are included in that.  DRC wasn't even on our list because of the "5 year married" rule.  when we switched agencies is about the time they say Jakob was abandoned, shortly after we were matched with him.  Perfect timing to meet our son on that computer screen.  He was ready for us and we were ready for him.  Deep heartbreak for Jakob and pure joy for us. It is terrible it works that way.

Please pray for him in this transition, that he will continue to attach and know we are his family.  We don't know his story, we only know he was abandoned in a field sometime around June of 2012.  We don't know what he remembers, how long he was in that field, who put him there, was it night time?  Did he cry?  Is that when he stopped talking?  Or was it before, when he was with whoever had him prior?  Did he have a momma who loved on him and covered in kisses?  Was she ill?  Is that why he was left in a field?  Did he wander off and become extremely lost?  My mind can wander and worry... As much as I would like to know the answers to the questions, and yes, I really would, I've found peace knowing the Lord knows and that is enough.  The Lord knows every nightmare, good memory, bad memory, negative reactions related to forgotten memories, and that is good enough.  He has gotten us this far, I don't see him abandoning us now, as we are truly just beginning.

Praise God for this journey; sometimes I still look at our family and laugh because it just seems so surreal that we traveled to Africa and brought a son home.  It surely isn't for the faint of heart, but Jakob has only added to our already overflowing cup!

Jakob's foster sister brought him to our hotel.  Such a sweetheart and he was really attached to her!

Once brought up to our room, Jakob stood in the same spot for about 45 minutes without moving a finger, batting an eye.  We gave him the soda bottle of Africa Fun he was clinging to when brought to us and he gulped the rest of it down like a pro.  Point 1 for us!

First Daddy-Son pic

First Momma-Son pic

 And so you see the transformation...

More pics to come; of course we have so many more!!!!